Albanese sugar free gummy bears reviews
I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. Flammable liquid. Brought them in yesterday morning and a bunch of the guys immediately downed a handful each. Within half an hour they were in the bathroom.
The Haunting Truth About Albanese Sugar-Free Gummi Bears
Photos by Meredith Jenks. There has been lots of talk on the internet about Haribo sugarfree gummy bears and how they make you make shit like a madman.
According to these detailed Amazon reviews , just a handful of the bears can cause an immediate evacuation of the gastrointestinal tract. There are 53 pages of reviews on Amazon, each one topping the last with a story of gummy-fueled diarrhea nightmares.
That stench is from me, seven years ago. I'm no avid Amazon shopper or reader of online reviews, but I've scanned my share and have never seen anything close to the kind of in-depth reporting that's found on the Haribo sugarfree gummy bear Amazon reviews page. The metaphors are akin to something John Donne would have written after a particularly stinging shit.
This whole thing seemed like a stupid internet hoax—an excuse for people to pen elaborate fictions about their somewhat irregular but ultimately harmless gummy bear-induced shits. The reporter in me knew what had to be done. I bought a few pounds of the day-glo bears at a candy store in Manhattan and found myself in the VICE offices late last Saturday night, shoving handfuls in my mouth, determined to find out the truth.
I camped out on a leather couch in the lobby. Leather seemed easiest to hose down if I didn't make it to the bathroom in time. The bears were still cold from being outside and the first few were tough on the jaw. Once they warmed up, the texture was everything we've come to expect from the good people at Haribo.
The flavor was amazing, too. Lycasin, the sugar substitute that's supposed to be the source of the colonic unrest, tastes amazing. Splenda and other artificial sugars have nothing on Lycasin, aside from the alleged diarrhea part.
I hooked down a handful. The first half hour felt close to that anxious period right after dropping acid, when you're killing time and waiting for it to hit.
I hadn't eaten gummy bears since I was 12, and I figured that I would have felt the same after eating any fist-sized glob of gelatin. Meredith—the photographer who encouraged VICE to test these gummies in the first place thanks, Meredith! I started spitting out thick, red loogies.
A few times I felt like yakking up the gummy bears, but I forced myself to keep them inside. If those bears wanted out, they'd have to find another way.
Very wrong. But the bears were too good to quit. I kept eating. An adamant voice in the back of my head kept telling me, "Slow and steady. Push things out too fast and you might let more slip than you want to.
But after two hours of eating the bears, I still hadn't made a mad dash to the bathroom. Maybe my theory was right. Maybe all the Haribo diarrhea emergency stories were exaggerated internet fiction. Another bonsai kitten hoax. In its trailer, there's a quick shot of a woman napping on a couch as something starts to force its way up from inside her belly.
I felt like this was happening to me. The bears were gnawing at my stomach lining. I started to think this dumb stunt could actually cause serious damage.
By this point, I'd lost my ability to communicate clearly. My sentences came out fractured and punctuated with groans. The guard didn't seem particularly surprised that this was happening.
I stood up for the first time in an hour and gravity started to take hold. I just about let loose of everything I had inside me as I opened the door to let him in the office. The bears opened my lower pod bay door and a gummy hell sprang forth. I made it to the toilet, just barely. My watery shit looked like a blend of bile and egg flower soup. With all attempts at modesty destroyed, I allowed Meredith and my buddy to follow me into the bathroom.
He shied away, but Meredith came in like a pro, knowing what kind of massacre she was walking into. It took every ounce of my being not to shit my pants on the corner of Manhattan and Norman Avenues in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. My rectum put on a star performance. At least I got to the bottom of the Haribo mystery. I ate the bears so the world wouldn't have to.
I fell asleep with a noble sense of self-importance—and the faint smell of fruity shit clinging to my clothes. A well-groomed older gentleman led me by the hand down a long corridor. He stopped and pushed open a door, revealing the most magnificent and ornate bathroom I had ever seen. He smiled and nodded and quietly shut the door behind me, leaving me alone, and—. Whatever happened in the VICE office was nothing compared to this. I dug my iPhone from the pocket of the pants bunched around my ankles, and fired up the voice recorder.
Be warned: the audio I caught is not for the faint of heart. I was a shell of a man, fingers pruned from dehydration. The wreckage I left in the bathroom was too much for my weak body to deal with. I left it for a roommate to clean up. She wandered into the bathroom, took one look inside, and stomped back to our bed. This story is over 5 years old.
Jan 20 , pm.
Find helpful customer reviews and review ratings for Albanese Candy, Sugar Free Assorted Fruit Gummi Bears, 5-pound Bag at superiorfloors.net.au Read honest and. Find helpful customer reviews and review ratings for Albanese Confecetionery Sugar Free Assorted Fruit Gummi Bears, 5 Pound Bag at superiorfloors.net.au
Each brand of the little bears advertises a rich and flavorful taste despite their sugarless nature. These bad boys are sold in a 5-pound bag, boasting a sugar-free, gluten free, dairy free and fat-free treat. Perfect for everyone! For a bag of timeless and simple sweets, over a thousand reviews seems a bit unusual. Until you actually read.
Photos by Meredith Jenks.
Individual tolerance will vary. Our bulk products are packaged in clear zip bags with the Albanese logo. Our retail packaging is what you would purchase in a retail store.
Sugarless Haribo Gummy Bear Reviews On Amazon Are The Most Insane Thing You'll Read Today
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Beware Of The 5 lb. Bag Of Sugarless Gummy Bears On Amazon.com - The Reviews Are Priceless!
I will never eat Gummy Bears that I didn't purchase myself ever again after reading these hilarious horror stories due to the fear that someone may have bought this particular brand by accident. Amazon sells sugar-free Gummy Bears that are basically laxatives that cause intense stomach problems. Some people ate them by accident, others took the challenge. I ate 6 of these things to aid along in digestion. I figured it was a tastier way to rid myself of a weeks worth of backup. I might as well have swallowed a nuclear bomb and topped it off with an enema. The good news is my digestive system is back on track. The bad news is I will never eat another gummy bear and may have flushed part of my soul down the toilet. God speed my friends The results are noxious and disgusting.
